I put that title a bit awkward, I know, but if it's "my third week at school", it sounds like i'm a teen babling about her school life.

Well, actually i've been teaching for the third week. Let's see:

week 1: teaching speaking for 2 classes

week 2: four classes on Monday (incredible). + 2 on thursday

week 3: 4 classes again on monday (today)

Last night i was up preparing the lesson until 2 am. this morning i have to wake up at 6.30 while it's extremely comfortable sleeping. i was 5 mins late and went straight past my boss when she was talking non-stop. the beginning of the morning was terrible - forgot one of the tape at home have to think of another (boring) activity for students. They were so silent this morning - I feel like a fool standing there, saying things I don't know where they cam from - from my aspie mind. I was feeling so uneasy and had to use my strength to make me more confident. I started lecturing - whatever topic I can and relate to the lesson (education fees, IELTS cost etc.). The students stared at me. WTF, I really don't know what's in their mind. They must be thinking that I'm really dumb and stupid to say all the you-know-what-it-is facts.

Worse, in the second class, the vice monitor has some very strange actions. She mocked my behavior - the way I nodded my head to emphasize my commands. Phew, I felt dumber and dumber, standing in front of them like an idiot. I left the classroom, trying to say "goodbye, see you again", trying to appear NT.

I felt like a loser. Everytime I left a class I teach.

Then comes the afternoon. The students annoyingly stared at me. I applied the experience in the morning, lecturing again, don't care whether they're listening. Almost any topic that comes to my mind. Sometimes I can't use the structure fluently.

When in the last class, I did let my emotion reveal a little bit. I even don't care suppressing more, thinking I'll find another job. I cannot stand seeing so many people a day like that. In front of students I talk as if I haven't ever talked in my life. In front of my colleagues and senior colleagues + boss, i'm as quiet as a mouse, staring blankly at them.

I felt as if this work is killing me, squeezing every piece of energy and food I tried to fill in my stomach. Yes, you see, coming home my back seems like breaking b/c I've been standing long-hour for the day.

I was even on the very first step of the tenure - i'll be fired at anytime. several days ago, i thought of telling my boss that i'm an aspie (hell, she doesn't even the term) and ask her for accommodations. now i don't want to do it anymore. sooner or later, i'll be fired or i'll kick my own ass outta here b/c my conscience hurts each time I go to the class and preaching students those painful words.

(I'm sorry for swearing) this sucking living hell